What if we all wore a sign? What would yours say today?

This came across my social media feed at the right time. Funny how that happens right?

It resonated with me deep.

Haven’t we all been there? Gotten frustrated at the driver in front of us. Annoyed at someone at the grocery store, dr. office, restaurant, etc? All while knowing nothing of their situation, their day, their life…ugh. As kind, nice and thoughtful I think I am I have my short comings too and I think…correction, I know I end up having judging thoughts before I even realize it.

Today is the 2 year mark of my family arriving in Utah trekking from North Carolina. New place, new neighborhood, new schools, routines, friends – all the NEW that comes with moving. I had only been in our place for 2 months before I “secretly” started the different meds and hormones required to prep my body to get ready for our friends embryo to be transferred into my body (here’s the start of that story if you didn’t know). Adding hormones to your body and prepping to hopefully get pregnant changed how I felt, things I did, food I ate, activities I did or didn’t do and more.

I began to not totally feel like myself.

If I was able to put a sign on me like driver from the photo above it might have said:

Doing new things isn’t always easy.

Then transfer day came and THANKFULLY it was successful! We were having their baby! (more on that story here and here). More hormones and shots – keeping with the routine to keep “tricking” my body to remain pregnant while the embryo settled in, “got sticky” as they say and grew a little bit more. Now adding in morning sickness – or all day sickness. LOL! Major tiredness, major nausea and major prayers that this pregnancy would continue to go well. We were over a year into this process that started from paper work to pregnancy and still no one knew. I had just met my neighbors, people at church and school all while trying to “pretend” I felt well and not be a total recluse on my couch trying to sleep off the fatigue and nausea for months.

If I was able to wear a sign at this time it might have said:

I need help with car pool, daily chores and I promise I’m not this unsocial. Please continue to get to know me.

Once we were able to share the news that I was pregnant and what the situation was I had 4 months left in the pregnancy. I big belly grew over the Summer and again I dealt with not quite feeling like myself, not fitting into anything, gaining weight, and honestly a little self conscious of what I looked like to all these “new” people in my life. I dealt with all the normal (for me) “stuff” that comes along with being in the last stage of pregnancy.

My sign probably would have said: Getting ready to give the biggest gift of my life – emotional. 

Then the baby was born and went home with it’s Mama and Dad and I dove back into my family life and recovering (want the labor story?). I hadn’t been pregnant in 9 years and I had forgotten a bit about all the things that need “put back together” after you have a baby and also the time it takes – ha ha ha… It took 9 months to grow the baby and I was ready to be back to my “normal” self in 1 month.

My sign at this time would have said: Self Conscious about my baby body.

The first few months after having the baby was full on Fall/Holiday time and I just dove back into normal life whether my body was ready to or not. It’s a busy time of year and not carrying around an extra human anymore I went at my life full force. And yes my body revolted every now and then and reminded me of what it had just gone through.

2018 arrived and life was again going at full force and I hadn’t really taken time to slow down much or pay attention to my body. I was feeling fine enough so just kept living day to day. Until I wasn’t feeling fine enough. Physically I was ok but mentally I was struggling. And this was all new territory for me.

I didn’t feel like myself.

I didn’t act or react like myself.

I wasn’t processing situations in a way that I recognized.

I was angry.

I was easily annoyed.

My temper was short.

My feeling hurt easily.

I didn’t want to be around anyone.

But at the same time I needed to know I was needed and noticed and that people wanted to be my friend.

(Ugh this is hard to write out and share. I haven’t shared this with anyone but my husband and 1 dear friend who helped me recognize and sort out what was happening.  I hope by sharing, it means something to someone else that makes a difference for them).

I didn’t realize that postpartum “stuff” can happen 6 months after delivering a baby. And figuring this out has helped me wade through the emotions and mental struggles I have been dealing with for the past few months. Never having gotten pregnant this way I should have thought to look for a different

What would my sign have said now? Wow. It could have said so many different things. And honestly I’m not sure it would have been something nice! (ha!…sigh…sad face)

My point in typing this all out and sharing is this –

  1. That if you’ve met me in the last two years you’ve met a ‘version’ of Megan. And this version? Well I’m not in love her. I haven’t felt completely like myself in two years and it makes me wonder how others view me. And realizing this has been a struggle in its self.
  2. I’m trying to figure out how I get back to feeling like me. Not feeling or recognizing myself for this length of time… well the road ahead to make that change looks a little foggy.
  3.  That so often people have struggles that we have no idea about. And kindness and friendship to others really is so important. I’m going to do my best to remember the story of the driver shared and try to look at others this way. What could their sign possible say?
  4. That of course I wouldn’t change a thing! Life is about giving, learning, growing, helping others and YES I if I could go back I would of course have the baby for my friend again. It’s helped me to have more empathy for those that struggle on levels and in different ways than I ever have.
  5. That I’m doing better – though no one knew there was something “wrong”… or if they did maybe they viewed it as my personality or the type of person I am and without knowing passed judgement.

 

So for what’s it’s worth  – I needed to type it out. To say it. To share it.

This has always been a place of sharing and connecting and I’ve had so many people reach out with questions regarding different topics and telling me how much they appreciate me sharing. That it’s made a difference.

I typed this up and have read it over so many times I’m not sure it makes sense anymore but I hope it does. Pushing publish on this type of post isn’t easy. But I have felt the necessity of it for someone… so for that one person that needs this, I will share.

Ironically in doing so, I open myself up to again be viewed differently – possibly broken?… weak? …unstable?… ha ha ha… funny how that is and how it’s not true at all.

So what would my sign say now? 

hmmmm… good question

**update – since posting I have received so many heartfelt comments, DM’s, emails, and texts. THANK YOU! One reader passed this along which is too good to keep to myself. Give it a read as well)